On the whole, society can get quite upset at the idea of mothers talking or even thinking about sex. Case in point is the infamous Mumsnet penis beaker episode, where media comment ranged from ‘bawdy’ and ‘funny’ to ‘sleazy’ and ‘obscene’. Even Jenni Murray - herself a campaigner on issues relating to women’s health - wrote a piece for The Daily Mail detailing her shock and horror at the material she found on the Talk Threads of this site. And let’s not even mention that poor male reporter from The Independent who read through some of the ‘Just Shagging’ threads…
Where does this reaction come from? The portrayal of women in the media suggests that they can be mothers or they can be sexy, but they can rarely be both. Indeed, there are even suggestions that a highly sexualised woman cannot be a good mother. A woman who has been pregnant and given birth will have experienced changes in her body. She – and her partner – can no longer ignore its reproductive function. Pregnancy, childbirth and family life will change women’s bodies, and also the way they perceive themselves, and yet women are bombarded with images in the media of celebrity yummy mummies who are applauded for returning to their pre-baby bodies and lives in a matter of weeks – ‘congratulations to them, for they are ‘sexy’ once more,’ appears to be the message. Back in the real world however, new parents are encouraged to discuss contraception with their midwife at the six-week post-partum check-up, and mothers might even be encouraged to have sex again to see ‘if their bits work’. But after that, there is little long-term support available unless there are real medical problems.
So where can women find advice on sex after kids? While some have criticised the sex education given in schools - particularly the absence of a focus on pleasure and the marginalisation of non-coital activities – I would argue that there is even less information available to adults. Once someone has left school, there are actually very few opportunities for formal sex education, despite the fact that women’s sexuality will continue to change as they grow older – and in particular will be impacted by experiences such as pregnancy and parenthood.
While some are comfortable discussing their sex lives with friends, research has found that for many women, this doesn't stretch to any of the ‘serious stuff’ - there is always the fear that bedroom issues may be blurted out at the school gates. Women's magazines tend to construct their readers as up-for-it, comparatively experienced young women, not 45-year-old divorcees who haven’t had sex for years and are worried about saggy bits and caesarean scars. And recent research into parenting magazines found a very limited coverage of issues relating to sex - little discussion of desire, and an assumption that the reader is in a heterosexual marriage.
Enter the internet. Anonymity and the possibility of discussing specific interests with others in the same situation as you - without the worry that they know who you are and where you live - mean the web (and specifically, sites like Mumsnet) is a natural place for women to explore their sexuality and have these conversations.
A post on the talk boards might be the first port of call in establishing whether a health-related problem is serious enough to seek professional help, but it also allows women to ask questions about their sex lives that they may be too embarrassed to discuss in ‘RL’. Lack of sex drive? Erectile dysfunction? Doing it doggy style whilst pregnant? True frankness – and other users prepared to be just as frank in response – can be a lifeline.
Research into sex toy parties has found that the most frequent questions asked at such events focus on establishing ‘what is normal’ - whether that is related to size, duration, intensity or position. Online interaction can satisfy this curiosity, helping women establish whether their experiences are similar to those of others -just think of the number of threads started to find out whether the poster’s sex life is more or less frequent than that of other couples – and it can help them find their ‘norm.’
This need to establish ‘the norm’ also suggests that some posters have limited sexual experience and a small number of partners, and Mumsnet can help them compare experiences with others. One re-occurring subject can be summed up as ‘sex tips for women who have not had sex with anyone apart from their ex-partner for some years’. For example, the poster who stated: ‘[I] feel a bit terrified as have not had sex with anyone new in 11 years. XH was always silent during sex – is that normal? Can anyone give me a few basic reminders?’ Or the poster who explained: ‘I have bought underwear. I have waxed. I have bought new sheets (why? like he cares?). I think I look like a Hogarthian gin whore and I've forgotten how to do it’. The responses this OP got is the sort of sex advice that is missing elsewhere in the media - bracing good sense and emotional support (and she returned the following morning, radiant, to announce that she had got the hang of it by the fourth go).
Discussion of the sex lives of mothers in the mainstream media is rare, and interactive and supportive discussion rarer still. Mothers have sex too. It is normal. And that’s why it is so essential that places like Mumsnet provide a forum for women to discuss and celebrate their sexuality, and that we continue to talk openly about our sexual experiences.
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Guest post: Talking about sex on Mumsnet, and why it matters
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MumsnetGuestPosts · 07/07/2014 15:07
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usualsuspectt ·
07/07/2014 22:43
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